It took me a long time to get here.
Now I'm eager for some company.
It took me a long time to get here...
Strange is the child who plays tax collector instead of doctor. But, there I was, an Alex P. Keaton devotee hopped up on episodes of Silver Spoons and Dallas riding around our suburban split-level in my child-sized replica of the Dukes of Hazzard General Lee that played ‘Dixie’ when I honked the horn. I stood outside in my backyard watching my little sisters swim in our pool while I practiced color war chants to get ready for another day at the Jewish summer camp I attended (and, yes - of course I was on the White Team). I thought nothing of what others might say was an eccentric childhood. For me, “I” was implied and unproblematic.
Until my parents asked me why, after years in Jack and Jill, I still didn’t have any black friends.
Until I realized that I didn’t mind being called an Oreo.
Until I read Volunteer Slavery – My Authentic Negro Experience by Jill Nelson.
Until I saw Ellen DeGeneres come out on Oprah.
Until I saw Bette Porter on the L Word.
Until well-intentioned friends, classmates, bosses, colleagues, fellow writers, artists and strangers on the subway continued pointing out what a rare and articulate bird I was.
I found myself shrinking in self-doubt. Maybe if I made certain parts of me smaller, more normal, more predictable, I’d have an easier time of it. I tried. I tried again. But you know how that story ended.
More recently and with the help of some smart and compassionate therapists, friends and family members, I remembered that exuberant little girl I used to be. The little girl who didn’t even think about making apologies for who she was. The little girl who was too busy living her life. Making big moves. Making big mistakes. As herself. Not as who someone else wanted her to be. That little girl was a rare bird, but that’s the point. We all have a chance to make our own mark, our own impression. Big or small as it ends up being. What a freeing realization that has been for me. Don’t get me wrong. It’s been a long and circuitous road getting to the place where “I” feels authentic and where I don’t apologize for the way I walk through the world.
It took me a long time to get to here, a place where I will be seen and heard. But now that I’m here, I’m eager for some company. I look forward to sharing my journey with you and giving you an opportunity to do the same.
Off we go!
Ara